She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
