it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I want her autograph on my taint
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
