Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
