I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
