saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
