WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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