i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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