I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
