It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
