My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
