I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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