It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
