I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
