I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
