I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
