I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
