im about as happy as oj after his trial
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
