dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
