Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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