I just saw a hot homeless man
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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