What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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