Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
