Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
the raccoons are back...
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