Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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