When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize