My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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