she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
