You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
