it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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