He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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