Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
