Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
