Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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