if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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