Dude my mom stole all your condoms
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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