Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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