the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
