If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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