What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
