I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize