I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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