how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
