My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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