Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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