i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
