All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
