Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
