My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
