They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
