Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
