the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
