i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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