dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
