Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I checked into jail on foursquare
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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