I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
