Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need to calm my uterus...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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